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Sunday, January 31, 2010

Tennis Noises

After watching the Australian Open, I have decided that the noise I make when hitting the ball, a monotone "uuuuuhhhhh", is simply too boring.

I need a new sound, a new grunt. Something intimidating. So this weekend, while competing at the SE Michigan Combo League playoffs, I was on the hunt for a new noise.

For me, my noise has always been about letting out air, remembering to breathe when I hit the ball, something like the way weigh trainers exhale when dead lifting. Although, its audible, I've never received complaints about it being hindering, which seems to be the objective of my loud-exhaling tennis peers.

This weekend, I found the possibilities were endless. Did I want to go with some kind of primal, monstrous growl? Or something more shrill and scary? The kind of noise that would cause my opponent to tighten up like someone had run their fingernails across a blackboard.

But I have narrowed it down to five.

First, my favorite; "WHOOPEE". Victoria Azarenka, the young, up-and-coming Belarusian whose Australian Open dreams ran into a brick wall named, Serena, two years in a row, has always been very vocal when striking the ball, but thanks to some enthusiastically inebriated Aussie fans, who had not had their fill of tennis because of a Federer beatdown of Lleyton Hewitt, the "Whoppee" was brought to light. Personally, this is my favorite, ball-striking word. "Whoopee!" What a way to relax when you're on the tennis court. "Whoopee!" While you are having a blast striking the ball, your opponent, if they haven't already died of laughter, will probably be too confused about all the fun you are having playing to return the ball. Win-win! Or, in the words of Azarenka, WHOOPEE!

Second, "BOO". I am not sure if this is meant to scare your opponent. The man doing it, a club-level player, didn't shout it suddenly, like you would expect of someone saying "BOO!" Instead it was more like a warning, a long dragged out warning, one you would expect Casper, the friendly ghost, to let out, warning you that, yes, he is a ghost. Yes, he is required to greet you in the customary ghoulish manner. But just between you and him, he's not really trying to scare you. The tennis player said, "Boo" every time he hit the ball, but dragged it out, so that by the time the ball landed on his opponent's side, he was still oo-ing.

Third, "AH-HAA". This is perhaps the most creative one in the bunch. It was the sound of laughter like Roger Thomas from What's Happening. Again, a male club player was the one observed letting his lung air out by "Ah-haa-ing". If you choose to employ this breathing technique, make sure you are hitting the "haa" a whole octave higher than the "ah". This one might take practice. Work at it and I am sure you can get it. If you really want to go throwback, rock some knee-high crew socks with the wide green stripes at the top. Ask your opponent to slap you some skin. Right on!

Fourth, "Ayyy-YAAAA". This one is for all of you Kung-Fu enthusiasts. Every time you hit the ball, pretend like you are about to split a stack of boards with your forehead. Take a deep breath, swing your racquet and "Ayy-YAAAA!" or "Ka-POW!" (if you are a Batman and Robin follower) or "BOOYAH" if you want to revive the Stewart Scott expression. Whatever you say, say it with enthusiasm. Say it like you are slapping down a royal flush! "Ka-POW!"

Fifth and lastly, "Oy-yee". This is for those who like experiencing different cultures. I most often hear this from European kids. It's kind of a whiny, high-pitched sound, annoying like the squeaky wheel of a grocery cart that you put up with because you're too lazy to go back to the front of the store to get another one. Pronounced correctly and dragged out sufficiently, this noise is the kind of slow torture counter punching players can use to further drive their opponents mad. "Oy-yeee!"

That's it for now. Stay tuned,

WHOOPEE!

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